Crikey O'Reilly.
What's he on about then, Adam?
Marathon.
He should be a teacher, shouldn't he?
He could just sing his lessons.
Jimmy Dean Bradfield.
Yeah.
Mr. Bradfield, sir, I don't understand the War of the Roses.
Well, this is how it goes!
I don't actually understand the War of the Roses, otherwise I would have written a better satirical song.
This week we're talking about Oxbow Lakes!
There you go, Oxbow Lakes.
That kind of thing.
Listen, we've got to play more adverts, because we didn't play enough adverts in the first hour and we must hit our advertising targets.
Well, that's what our producer said.
The real reason is we love adverts.
Yeah, we can't get enough.
Especially radio adverts, we feel they really enhance the show.
So here's some more.
Check it out, we'll be back after these.
Oh, it's the Libertines with Can't Stand Me Now, this is Adam and Joe on XFM, London's 104.9, ooga booga.
London, London, unless you're listening in Glasgow, Glasgow, Glasgow.
Or anywhere else in the world via the internet or digital radio.
Thanks for listening, we're with you for another sort of 50 minutes, and it's gonna be un-de-tunable.
Is that the radio equivalent of unputdownable?
Unswitchoffable.
Unswitchoffable.
Unretunable radio, yeah.
And I'll say one more thing about Band-Aid.
Go on then.
We've been slagging off Band-Aid, not The Cause, but The Single and The Video.
It's mainly The Crying.
The Crying, no, I'm gonna make a stand, and I do think The Single is terrible, and The Video is unwatchably uncomfortable.
The Cause, of course, is fantastic, but we're encouraging people just to give £3 to charity.
What, The Band, The Cause?
Yeah, yeah.
Now, but the thing that annoys me most is, off-air and out of the media, if you're, like I've been just talking to Justin Lee Collins, and everybody is being very forthright about their opinions, but it's one rule for off-air and another rule on-air, you know?
Well, there has to be some kind of... No, I don't, I think there's not enough places in the radio and TV where people are honest about things.
Well, then you've got nowhere to go, have you?
It's nice having rules sometimes.
You can say what you like in your own time, but when you're talking to loads of people,
I don't know.
Anyway, let's drop it now because I think we're going to get more band-aid flogging on Justin's show.
I look forward to hearing that.
The main thing I'm worried about is that I purchased some DVDs this week.
I've been trying to hold off buying DVDs for a while, yeah, because it was getting out of control for a while.
But then this week I just went.
Well, it's all kicking off for the Christmas season, all the good stuff's being released.
Well, good, inverted commas.
I got Harry Potter.
What's it, The Prisoner of Azkaban?
Yes.
And I don't know why I got it, because I did go through a sort of Harry Potter phase.
Is it not for the kiddies?
Yeah.
I suppose you're looking forward to watching it yourself.
Yeah.
Because I tell you what, the second one was better than the first one.
The first one was unwatchable, in my opinion.
Second one, not so bad.
And it was pretty enjoyable.
But then I don't know why I bought The Prisoner of Azkaban.
It's rubbish, isn't it?
Yeah, we've discussed it on this show before.
Have we?
I wouldn't say, it's a bit dismissive to say it's rubbish.
It looks very nice, and it's a little more atmospheric than the others, but the story's a stinker.
Is it?
Yeah.
That was the best book, though.
Because I read the books, but then the last one that came out, the really massive one, made me just think, what the hell have I been doing?
It's for kids, it's for little kids.
I know, but even for, you know, stuff for children is pretty good.
The problem with the films is they're too reverential towards the books.
What needs to be happened is the books need to be eviscerated.
concentrated and sort of rewritten but they don't, they just try and cram everything in the films and as a result they make no sense and go on forever and then are resolved by a girl with a time travel necklace.
Oh that sounds good you see, the way you described it now.
The other film I bought was I, Robot.
Now I did try to watch that last night and it was torture.
Yeah, I saw that at the cinema.
It looks like... What?
What?
It looks like a... Lila, are they XFM sponsored by I, Robot?
No.
Have we got some sort of a tie in... Do you love Will Smith?
What's your worries about slagging off iRobot?
We might be giving away iRobot.
Hey, I tell you what, we can give away my copy of iRobot right now.
I saw it with a friend, my friend loved it.
Really?
I wasn't so excited.
Was your friend Will Smith?
No, there's no doubt about that it's got lots of digital effects.
Most people are just happy with that these days.
I know, come on.
Well, no, I'm not one of them.
I don't believe that's true for a second.
It looks like...
animation tests it looks like a load of sort of animation tests intercut with a bit of sort of soft core gay porn with basically long lingering shots of Will Smith's extraordinary body in the shower that's only at the beginning it pops up a bit later as well yeah yeah
It's something for the ladies, I suppose, but, oh, dear me, it's just inexhaustible.
And it goes on and on and on, and it's dreadful, and the robots are rubbish, and you just think, who cares?
And it's got this, the girl in it, his sort of love interest, who's, I imagine she turns out to be a robot, is that right?
Well, you shouldn't give it away, people get upset when we give stuff away.
But I'm not sure I'm going to make it to the end of the film.
At the moment I'm watching it, and the love interest is this woman who's all icy cold and she works for the robot company.
And I'm guessing that she turns out to be some kind of boring cyborg.
So I'll tell you the worst thing I thought in it.
What?
Well, you know, it's got the kid from Holes, and he's in some children's TV.
Sheba Beowulf, he's in some children's TV series.
He's good, that guy.
Yeah, he's quite a good sort of teenage actor.
And he's in it, he says one line to Will Smith at the beginning,
And then only because, at the end, he very nearly gets squashed by a robot.
Because there's no other characters in the film, there's basically... That's the problem, it's a thriller with only three or four characters.
So it's not very satisfactory as a whodunit, there's only a couple of people who could have done it.
And one of them's... yeah.
And they're all robots.
Are they?
I don't know.
It was just so boring.
I can't be bothered.
It was dreadful.
It was so disappointing.
I was all excited about a blockbuster.
I'm keeping Elf for Christmas.
That's going to be the big film.
Have you not seen that yet?
I have seen it, but I bought it on DVD and that's going to be like we have a film each Christmas day when my family come round.
And I'm going for Elf this year.
It's a bit common, isn't it?
What?
It's a bit common.
Why?
There's nothing good on telly.
What about talking to each other?
Well, we do that as well, but there's always a part when my past sort of passes out from excessive consumption of Christmas pudding.
And then it's really nice to sit there and get a bit sozzled and watch a film.
What about the big ITV movie?
Because the whole country's watching that.
No they're not.
What about EastEnders when Dirty Den hatchets someone's head off or something?
Not into it.
Not into it.
They never pick a movie I want to see on Christmas Day.
What about Noel's Christmas presents?
Does that happen anymore from the top of the BT Tower?
Yeah.
We did that stuff in the 80s.
That should happen.
That used to be good.
Noel can't be found anywhere on telly.
What about messages from servicemen's relatives?
That still happens.
Does it?
It's nothing like that.
That's all in the morning.
I'm not boycotting any of these.
I just want a guaranteed smash.
Like last year we had Meet the Parents.
Brilliant.
That was a brilliant film for Christmas Day.
And then we had Shawshank Redemption a few years ago.
That was a good one.
Because it's films that have to cross the boundaries in the family and stuff that my dad won't immediately start ranting about and saying, this is dreadful.
I think he's going to dig Elf, what do you reckon?
Yeah, I think so, Elf, it's very good.
This is Adam and Joe, our next fan will be back after this.
Shall we dedicate that to the inhabitants of Picton Island?
Why?
Uh, the people who read the news will understand that.
Because it's about sex laws.
Okay.
Uh, this is Adam and Joe on XFM.
London's 104.9 here for another 31 minutes.
And coming up is Diddy's In The Dock, and this week it's themed again, right Adam?
Absolutely, the theme this week is synth-pop classics.
Oh, brilliant.
Oh, brilliant.
So it could be Synthpop from anywhere, although I imagine, you know, the golden era of Synthpop was the early 80s.
I imagine we'll be hovering around that area somewhere.
And of course, you guys get to vote which song wins Ditties in the Dock.
It's best of five.
And this week, if your vote is the deciding vote, you're going to win that set of Saturday Night Live videos.
Sandler, Ferrell, Rock and Murphy are all present in that set.
and everyone who calls in and gets on the radio is going to win a copy of a book called Big Hair, one of those books that they sell by the till in Borders.
I'd say a good thing to do with those books, especially if it's free, is just rip the pages out and glue the pages onto a bit of card and you've got yourself a funny postcard.
just a reminder as well about rock school so the rock school is now closed it's too late you can't put any more entries in it's time to vote now what you have to do is go to xfm.co.uk slash breakfast and pick your favorite artist this is where the other 16s do cover versions
That's right, yeah.
It's mainly on Christian's breakfast show, isn't it?
And it's very funny, there's some amazing covers in there.
You've got until 8am on Monday to register your vote.
The future of rock is in your hands!
That's some amazing stuff, you should check it out.
Now, um, school mags.
Occasionally, I won't shut up about school.
Now and again, I'm just obsessed with school mags at the moment, and I've just been reading a lot of them.
I just want to read you a poem.
And I was thinking maybe we could broaden this, make it a bit more about poetry rather than school mags.
So you're talking about poetry that you wrote when you were at school and actually got published in your school magazine?
The poetry of the very young, I just think is often excellent.
Like this, this was written by a young girl called Anna Burns, aged 10, it was written a long time ago, 1984, and it's called Monkeys.
Monkeys are furry animals, swinging from branch to branch, like a, like a monkey I suppose.
They eat their bananas on high branches, dropping the peel and watching it fall as a monkey would, I suppose.
When people watch them in the zoo, they act, they act, they act like monkeys do.
Oh, no, okay.
She flipped it round.
Yeah.
Yeah foolish us Is she like it's a sort of a hip-hop poem isn't it sort of scratch scratching in it?
Yeah, but it's but it's just brilliant It's ingenious monkeys by Anna burns age 10 when she wrote that if you've got any poems you'd like to send us Please do well.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, I mean, I don't know about that I think we should have some sort of criteria that some sort of filter.
They need to be published in a school magazine Oh, yeah, fair enough.
Yeah
Speaking of school mags, I was going through an old mag from our school the other day, and I found the article that you mentioned a while ago.
St.
Slice's comprehensive.
Yeah, that's right.
St.
Stabs.
Because Joe Cornish, J.M.
Cornish, I'm sorry, you call yourself on this, wrote an article about his trip to Venice.
How old were you when you wrote this?
22.
No, you weren't.
I was probably 13, 14.
Yeah, and it's called as a little illustration by you as well.
Yeah.
Have you seen that recently?
I'm multi skilled.
In fact, Venice doesn't do my drawing justice.
How long did that take you?
Probably seconds.
Yeah.
Well, it's called the article is called Venice, a peopled labyrinth of walls.
Cornish.
And that's a quote though, isn't it?
You didn't make that up.
Yeah, I didn't make that up.
That's a literary quote, Adam Buxton.
But I thought at the risk of... I hope I won't be embarrassing you by reading out some extracts from this extraordinary piece of writing by the young J.M.
Cornish.
Thank you.
And I've set certain sections to appropriate music.
Well done.
Good.
Here we go.
This is extracts from Venice, a peopled labyrinth of walls by J.M.
Cornish.
It would be untrue to say that my father was a man who was prone to mistakes.
In fact, the opposite could have been said.
He had planned our trip to Venice with great detail, and there would be no time to spare.
But as we stood beside the check-in at Gatwick and realized that he had brought my brother's passport by mistake, I started to doubt the simplicity of our journey.
Oh, it's a devastating opening, isn't it?
That's good, isn't it?
That's good.
That's absolutely amazing, but then it gets really... You stop wheeling out your incredible poetic prose.
Later on in the article we've got this.
As we proceeded, I started to notice various things.
There really were striped poles in the water.
The houses really did open straight out onto the canals.
It was as if we had sailed into the most elaborately beautiful African river village.
I felt as if this was a community that floated on an ocean of nothing.
That's so true.
That's amazing.
Thanks, man.
There's a nice choice of music as well, Mahler from the soundtrack of Death in Venice.
Yeah, exactly.
Dr. Pollucci and Aviconti.
But then a bit later on in the article, there's quite a radical change of tone.
Well, that was what I was known for on the literary scene.
And this is a bit more like a travel brochure.
For the traveller who's prepared to wake with the sun and walk non-stop until midnight, Venice can be experienced in three ways, although my father insisted we were merely scraping the surface.
I trekked from one building to the next painting and watched Italian 24-hour pop videos for the rest of the time.
I must admit there's nothing to do but visit churches and galleries, where some of the world's most beautiful works are to be found.
What's that music?
Is that genuine Sky Travel music?
It might be.
It's called the Red Fiesta.
Sky Travel is my favourite channel.
That was good.
But then, you wrap things up.
Literally one line later, you are back into your extraordinary prose swing.
Is this the final line then?
This is the closing line of the piece?
It's not, but it should be.
Even I found Venice overwhelming.
The wealth of artistic achievement that stands sinking is huge.
I certainly think that you can't sit on this planet for a lifetime and not visit Venice.
The three days I spent there restored my faith in man's ability to create beauty, even if it may have gone now.
That's your faith, I imagine, not man's beauty.
No, I think it's man's beauty.
Wow.
You know, I'm amazing.
Or I was amazing.
And since then, in the intervening years, I've become even more amazing.
Will you write an article that we can read out next week?
Yeah, we've got to do something with that Sky Travel music.
Play that music again.
Please, please.
We can have people call in and talk about their holidays and just hear it in the background.
That would be good.
Oh, yeah.
It actually makes you feel warmer, doesn't it?
It does, yeah.
It's like the sound of the mad.
That could be the beginning of my article.
OK.
Write a travel article for us about a trip somewhere out in London next week.
How about that?
Listen, we've got Ditties in the Dark coming up after Razorlight.
That was a bit of a mess there, it came in at the end of Razor Like with Ditches in the Dock music.
Sorry about that.
Okay, so this week, Ditches in the Dock is once again themed, ladies and gentlemen.
And the theme this week, we've narrowed our choices down.
Basically, this is the part of the show where Joe and I battle it out for which piece of music gets to play out the show this week on XFN.
Synthpop is the category this week.
And Joe, do you want to start or shall I start?
Yeah, I don't mind starting.
Okay, you go ahead.
My synthpop choice, listeners, is Thomas Dolby's She Blinded Me With Science.
Oh, brilliant.
This is a fantastic synthpop single from the man who claims to have invented synthesizers.
At least that's what he claimed to us.
It is a fantastic song.
It's all about a man that falls in love with a woman who's a brilliant scientist, and her scientific brain freaks him out.
And you know, they just don't release singles like that anymore.
Well, you've really thought about it.
Have I?
Like, you've thought about what the song means and everything.
Well, on the way here, I wasn't sure whether I got it right.
Have I got it right?
Yeah, well, that's that.
Instead of Magnus Pike, I always think.
It's got some samples of Magnus Pike.
Magnus Pike was in the video, and for younger listeners, Magnus Pike was a celebrity science man.
Celebrity scientists.
In the 70s and 80s.
All celebrity chefs now used to be celebrity scientists.
Yeah, in the days when people used to value intelligence.
That's right, Joe.
So this is a brilliant single.
It's got a very, very novel lyric line and it sounds amazing.
It's incredibly catchy.
If you've never heard it, kids, then you just need to hear it, basically, because you'll love it.
And we should stress that this is the original version, not the remix, that mystifyingly turns up on the excellent album.
What's it called?
The Golden Age of Wireless.
Yeah, and Thomas Dolby generally is a fantastic artist.
This is possibly his best known bit of work, but if you like this, then you can delve deeper into his oeuvre, and there's a lot more, sort of slightly less gimmicky stuff.
Delve into my oeuvre!
Delve into his oeuvreies?
Yeah, that's very nice.
Very nice image.
So there we go.
So my vote for this week, for Dizzies in the Dock, is Thomas Dolby with She Blinded Me with Science.
Well, that's a good song, no question.
But what about a bit of Kraftwerk, the people who more or less invented the entire genre, not just the synthesizer, although obviously they were using synthesizers, I don't know what I'm talking about.
But this is a track that doesn't get played that much by Kraftwerk, and it's my own remix of the track.
Wow, can you imagine?
I've cut all the best bits and whacked them together in a really kind of cack-handed way.
No, I've done it brilliantly.
It's Kraftwerk with Tour de France.
This is the music that was used briefly for the Tour de France, although they don't use it anymore, I don't think.
It was on the soundtrack to Electric Boogaloo.
What was it called?
Electric Boogaloo was this sort of subtitle of...
Breakdance 2.
Electric Boogaloo.
I think it was on the soundtrack to that originally, but this is not that version.
That's impressive.
My version is even more amazing.
It's an extraordinary piece of work and, you know, if you don't vote for Kraftwerk, you're insane.
So, are you going to vote for Thomas Dolby or Kraftwerk?
That's all we need from you.
We'll take the first five callers and the best of five will be played.
at the end of the show.
We should remind people of their motivation to call apart from, you know, helping us out and being on the show and, you know, encouraging your favorite song to be played.
You also win a copy of the brilliant book about big hair, one of those novelty books that you get by the till, old pictures of big hair.
Just imagine what it's like and that is what it's like.
And the person who comes in with the deciding vote wins the Saturday Night Live box set.
It's not in a box, but it's four DVDs.
And that's it.
So is it Thomas Dolby or Kraftwerk?
We'll find out after this is- Should we give them the number?
Well, okay then, yeah, yeah, fair enough.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9.
0-8-7-1-2-2-2-1-0-4-9 Dolby or Kraftwerk.
Got a bit of a free play now, this is Richard Hell and the Voidoids.
Guess who that was, Joe?
Was it that one?
Was it that one?
No.
Lucky I didn't say that then.
What was that one?
That was the bravery.
Oh was it?
Unconditional.
I liked that one.
That was very good.
Okay, so we're going to resolve Dizzy's in the Dock for you now ladies and gentlemen.
Sure is exciting.
It sure is exciting.
So Ditty's in the Dock of course is the slot where you get to choose the song that we play out the show with.
I have a song that I'd like to play out the show with.
Adam has his.
You guys get to choose.
This week Adam chose Kraftwerk with which song?
Tour de France with the Bucky Mays.
Yeah, I chose Thomas Dolby the House Elf.
Thomas Dolby with She Blinded Me With Science and that's what we're voting against.
five callers on the line.
Every caller wins a prize.
The deciding vote wins the Saturday Night Live box set.
So here we go, shall we go?
And this will probably be a disaster again, won't it?
In what way?
Well, telephone line wise.
Oh yeah, we were having some problems with the lines.
For several weeks running we've had some problems with this, so this could be interesting.
It's got Jo on line whatever it is, line one.
Hello Jo.
Hello.
How are you?
I'm fine thank you, how are you?
Very well indeed, thanks a lot.
Bye!
No, it was my little joke.
See, this is what it's like, Joe, living with him and working with him.
You're very mean.
You have to deal with that kind of, sort of, humor.
Humor the whole time.
Who are you voting for, Joe?
I'm voting for Siobhan and Miley Cyrus.
Thomas Dolby.
Good vote.
So that's 1-0 for Dolby.
Thanks very much.
You win a copy of the Big Hair book.
Don't say it like that.
Say, you've won a copy of the Big Hair book!
There we go.
On the next line, Charlie.
Is Charlie there?
Yeah.
Hello, Charlie.
Sweet.
It's sweet.
Yeah, sweet.
Easy, easy.
Charlie, are you a Charlie boy or a Charlie girl?
Charlie boy.
Charlie boy.
Charlie wagwan.
What?
Oh, never mind.
It's my attempt at speaking skills.
Joe was trying to speak to you in your own language, Charlie, and you blanked him.
You cussed him.
You dissed him.
Who are you voting for, Charlie?
Huh?
Who are you going to vote for, mate?
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Kraftwerk.
Obviously you do.
Otherwise, why would you be voting for us?
It's a stupid question.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
Thanks so much for calling, Charlie.
And we'll send you a book that I imagine you'll be quite disappointed by.
It's one all to Dobby the house elf and Charlie.
What?
No.
And Kraftwerk.
And on the next line is Marnie.
Hello, Marnie.
Hello.
How are you?
Fine.
How are you?
I'm nursing a bit of a fuzzy head.
I was at the student radio awards last night.
Oh my gosh.
I know.
I nearly won an award.
Oh, I'm sorry, you just missed it.
Well, welcome to the nearly won an award club.
Woo-hoo!
Who are you voting for, Marnie?
Uh, Dolby, please.
Dolby, it's two for Dolby, one for Kraftwerk.
Charlie's my only sport, so thanks very much for your call, Marnie, and I hope your head gets better, and I hope you win the award next time.
You deserve it, you're the best.
Oh, you lied that you're grand.
Sanjay, are you there?
Hello, Sanjay.
Hi there, how are you?
Sanjay, we're very well.
It's an exciting stage of Diddy's in the Dock, because it's 2-1 for Dobby, Thomas Dobby the house-elf.
Who are you voting for?
Crawford.
Yeah, thank you very much, Sanjay.
And do you know that track?
I did.
I love it.
It's really good, isn't it?
It's a peach!
Oh man, this is close.
I've got to win.
I lost last week.
And Joe, you keep on being able to vote first.
Next week, I'm going to vote first, all right?
No matter what the outcome.
OK.
OK, here we go.
Here's the decider.
Now, whoever this is gets all those DVDs as well.
So who have we got, Joe?
Hello, Karen.
Karen, are you there?
Hi, guys.
Hi, Karen.
Oh, steady, Karen.
You're blowing my mind.
Oh, good.
Are you excited about winning the DVDs, Karen?
Oh, totally.
Yeah, do you know about Saturday Night Live?
Oh, absolutely, yeah.
Who's going to be your favourite?
Are you a Sandler fan?
Adam Sandler.
Yeah, women hate Adam Sandler.
Do you like him?
Yes, I do.
Oh, there you go.
I thought women loved Sandler.
Oh, yeah.
He constantly churns out romantic comedies.
That's true.
No.
That I'm going to vote for.
Your vote is the decider, you realise, Karen?
She's building it up beautifully.
Oh, Karen.
Well, it's a good choice.
I mean, it's a smash, but I'm very disappointed.
What a classic.
This is going to cheer everybody up on a miserable Saturday afternoon.
Well, thanks very much indeed for your call.
I hope you enjoy those DVDs.
I will do.
And we've been Adam and Joe.
Thanks so much for listening to us this week.
Thanks for all your texts, except for the ones that say, why don't you both shut up?
But there was only one that said that.
Yeah, but we get one every week.
We've always won every week.
Exactly.
But, uh, no seriously, thanks a lot.
We love you very much.
And we'll be back the same time next week, one till three.
Tell your friends, we'll have great prizes and, uh, you know, quizzes and all that kind of stuff.
It sounds like a children's tea party.
There's nothing wrong with children's tea parties.
No, I'd never say there was.
They're the best days of my life.
Here's Thomas Dolby with She Blind To Be With Science.
Bye, love you, bye!